in vain by Tim Reaper

i usually don't incorporate or reference my personal life in my music, but felt that it would dishonest to not acknowledge how much of a part it played in the existence of this release.

last year, me & my ex long term partner split and since then, things have been quite unstable & somewhat chaotic for me in many parts of my life. when i felt like i was finally beginning to find my feet again with the way my day to day life was becoming, it felt as though there was starting to be a light at the end of the tunnel. however, life has had a habit of throwing challenges in my way during the past few years and things did not go as i hoped they would, which left me feeling quite broken.

there was a combination of things which all seemed to go a bit sour around the same period of time, which included my struggle with holding down a full time job whilst also doing music (which i had to leave quite recently), the financial instability that came after the breakup and continued on as a result of living as a single person in london, having trouble accepting & appreciating the large amount of attention i receive for what i do in music, my late realisation of my neurodivergence & not knowing fully how it manifests in my behaviour/communication, falling in love with someone who did not feel the same way as i did about them, the stress and anxiety that came from running future retro london on my own and other things in my life which just felt like they would not vanish or lessen in intensity, regardless of how much effort i put into myself to overcome them.

these tracks were made during that time of my life where i felt like all the effort i had put into trying to rebuild things felt as if it was all in vain, hence the title of this release. i was trying to channel my emotions into something that would maybe help me make sense of what was going on, as well as attempting to give myself a brief escape from what my life was at the time.

i was really trying to remain optimistic and resilient whilst facing all these issues, trying not to slip into any harmful dependencies or unhealthy habits & i think working on these tunes helped to keep me on a good path, as well as the support i was receiving from the people within my life.

i was going to let these tunes sit in my archives forever, out of fear of acknowledgement of the rejection i faced or being reminded of the confusion & uncertainty that was prominent throughout that time, but i think that part of the healing process for me requires releasing these into the world and moving on from who i was when i was producing these tracks.

i still remain hopeful that from here on, things can improve as i try to unpick some of the aspects in my life that have been bringing me down, as well continuing to work on myself and my flaws & faults. my hope is that i can use all the experiences i've had in this time to help me learn more about myself & hopefully become better, maybe even happy.

SoundCloud
Future Retro London
Globex Corp