93 by the golden years

Catalog #: LG72
2024 LITTLE GHOST RECORDING CO.™

The '93 EP is hate letter to the hockey team I love, the Toronto Maple Leafs. Love the team. Hate most of the roster, especially the stars. They are a bunch of overpaid divas who underperform when it matters most & fans deserve better.

Matthews is not going to suddenly become Mr. Playoffs during the second half df his career. He never plays well in the playoffs. Two years ago he sucked. Blamed a wonky wrist. Last year he looked healthy while chasing 70 regular season goals (a record he, characteristically fell short of). A week later some mystery ailment kept him out of the lineup for TWO playoff games vs their new arch-rival. games. Two games in which the Leafs pulled off two gutsy wins. They looked like the Lunchpail Leafs and for those two games, not $19 latte Leafs they seem to turn into after Game 82 every year. The Matthew returned for Game 7 & the Leafs lost. Again. AGAIN.

Fans are now just waiting for Auston Matthews & William Nylander to age out of their massive contracts so the Leafs can be a basement team for 5-7 years and then maybe, just MAYBE, the next talented crop will actually win more than one playoff round in 8 years, not lose a professional hockey game to non-pro 41-year old zamboni driver goalie with a beer gut, or choke a 3-1 series lead to their oldest rival, MTL, in a year that would have given them the easiest path to the Cup final ever. It was there for them, gift wrapped, if they wanted it. Instead they choked. Why? Because they're the Matthews-era Leafs. They AM34-era Leafs are allergic to playoff hockey & the only cure is mid-May golf.

As far as Mitch goes, Bitchell Barner Syndrome can be recognized by the following symptoms:

1. Severe playoff allergy, resulting in the patient forgetting how to play hockey after Game 82 of the regular season.
2. Abysmal stats in elimination games
3. Setting a new record for over-the-glass delay of game penalties in a single series
4. Telling the media your SUV got stolen at gunpoint so that the mean Toronto sports writers won't ask "why do suck so bad in the playoffs?"
5. Inability to score, defend, make a breakout pass, communicate with teammates, kill penalties, block shots, or shoot the puck on the power play, preferring instead to cycle the puck from the point to the wing and back the 2 whole (wasted) minutes.
5. Underhanded negotiation tactics. Demanding to be one of the highest wingers in the league with few accomplishments that quality him, and many bad qualities that disqualify him. But he got paid anyway.
6. Playing really well in October & November then playing like microwaved dogshit in late-April & early-May.

In 2016 when we long-suffering Leafs realized we were picking first overall, we all thought our much-deserved, long-sought Cup window was coming. 8 seasons later, the Matthews-Marner era Leafs have won ONE series. Then they won ONE game in the next series. Remember, Mitch has Bitchell Syndrome, which can apparently only be cured by golfing by the second week of May every year.

I miss the Pats. No, not the St Pats. I'm not 109. I mean Burns & Quinn. At least Pat Burns' '93 & '94 Leafs advanced to the Conference Finals. And Pat Quinn's '99 & '02 Leafs also took trips to the Conference Finals. The very best these current Leafs have done is win FIVE playoff games instead of their usual three. Holy mackinaw that is a garbage stat.

Time will tell if Bitchell will take a pay to cut stay in Toro- hahahahahah. Who am I kidding? He'll jump ship like a rodent in a shipwreck and win a Cup with his next team, a la Kessel, Bozak & Kadri.

Fuck Mitch Marner. And fuck the current roster of Leafs. And fuck Joffrey Lupul. Never mind a bodycheck, that dude could get injured by a strong wind.

This EP has 2 b-sides:

1."Nick Foligno sucked in Toronto & his Dad's Head Protection Looked like a Bicycle Helmet."
2. "Brian Burke traded up in the draft to take...Tyler Biggs lol."

I'll release them if/when the Leafs win a championship in my lifetime. If they do, my guess is sometime after 2045. These current guys are NOT the guys.

lo fi
slo fi
glo fi
no fi