Ron by Soundass
He was born in a Sharper Image, and he came to shape our image. He is the Funk Jester. Born as the complete antithesis of head of Fresno Records Jesper Nonesuch, the Funk Jester would never make us redux our material. Nevertheless, he was forced to oversee the redux of one of our finer pieces “Crazy Bastards” (now known to casual listeners/unwashed masses simply as “Ron”).
He had shoes all over town. That was simply a fact. And many people tried to disprove it! (These people… they run tests, you know?). Have you ever had to kill your own child? Well, neither have I. But, I can only imagine it’s similar to how we felt when we had to re-sequence the album with one sad Jester for one mad Jesper.
Fresno, Fresno, Fresno. We’d only been signed a week, and it felt like years. They forced us to make a really enthusiastic video regarding us being signed to their “label.” Kato hated the idea from the start, but against our better knowledge, we took the plea deal.
We can just run down the changes we had to make on the album. For starters, we had to neuter it for Jesper. But we already said that. And we’ll say it again! But not now. Later though. Yes.
For starters, we had to neuter it for Jesper. We had to take all the tracks that were under 40 seconds [of which there were several!!!! (why wasn’t it 30 seconds????)]. We left Typewriter on there as under 40 seconds as a “fuck” to Jesper. Additionally, we made a song called “Fuck Jesper.” They even made us put an exclamation point on the cover to make us seem like we were excited about it [we weren’t… (why wasn’t it 30 seconds????)]. We had the last laugh, though, when we didn’t put the exclamation on the actual album title. You understand.
Punctuation is very important. Can we just do a paragraph about punctuation here? I’m not asking you, I’m asking the editor. He’ll edit this out if he hates it. Lest we not forget the common comma, the mighty pyramid (meant to say period… edit that out if you don’t like this), the sinister semicolon, the risky run-on (see: this sentence)… the ellipses… the exclamation! The question mark? (The parenthetical).
Alright, let’s get back to it (edit that out if you don’t like it—thank you…). We had to change our really good 4 second track “Awoo.” We were forced to put the entire studio chatter from the Crazy Bastards session tapes, which we were intending to put behind a paywall. In the recording, you can hear the voice of the Funk Jester bellowing his devious commands from the booth behind the boards [he was a tyrant who liked the high-ent (end I mean)]. The gunshots, we will not explain the gunshots.
Michael Wilson. Let me say it again. Michael Wilson… was a webmaster (and a wooly one at that). They say not to shoot the messenger, but we had to unload a full magazine of bullets (Bullet Weekly) into Michael’s hard flesh. While bedridden in the hospital, he began to code out what would soon become a mogul in the streaming industry, Ogus. So it was actually really a good thing that we did that, right? Make of that as you will.
What more should we say, what more could we say? We’ll say this, we had to resequence several skits {talk about a drag! [we dragged and dropped] (it’s true!!!)]}. So yeah, we basically had to leak Crazy Bastards after that. It was in our own hands and we did it with our own glands! And we had demands, so we made plans to enhance the album. Ron that is. Crazy Bastards. This is Soundass by the way. Have we made ourselves clear?
I wanna take a moment here to plug our GoFundMe. What you need to do is go to our website Soundass.Live (if you know… you should know it, we said it now. Just now—what am I saying?!), then find all of our cool links. Once you’re on our GoFundMe page, you should donate money to us for us to be as good as we are always. You know, to keep us motivated. You could be on our “close friends” list on Instagram. It’s a regional honor. Anyway, we don’t wanna get too off course or sentimental here. Let’s instead discuss Soundass Radio. Did we mention Ogus?
After the redux of the record was complete, we sent it to Jesper’s cold, dead hands and he smiled and danced while we wept and danced. We were crying for days after that. We wrote a lot of poetry. If you read the first letter of every paragraph in this book, it actually translates into one of our tasty little limericks for one of your devious, dirty minds.
This is the neutered version of our finest work "Crazy Bastards." We wanted the album to be 50 tracks, but Jesper got his tiny hands on our album and forced us to make some changes... Sure, sure. So this is the shortened and lesser version of one of the greatest albums ever made. If you don't like it, COMPLAIN TO JESPER....
.... psssst
we're gonna leak the original version of Crazy Bastards soon, we'll keep u posted hahahah!!!!!
Tracklist
Credits
Mixed by the Funk Jester, except tracks 10, 20, 22, 25, 26, 28, and 31, which were mixed by Frankie Mathis, a high schooler who can't read that well.
Special thanks to our tech guy Michael Wilson, our legal counsel Frenchie Gilgamesh, our lyricist Goosey Soderbergh, our pilot Flora McFauna, our roommates Gooddeal, Goodbit, Badbit, and Weirdbit, and, of course, our beloved Kato. You all made this album possible (with the exception of Goodbit).
