cinemamena by sonja berlin-jones
Oh golly I didn't get any sleep last night because I was on such a high - yesterday evening I had a visitor. Two !!!! I don't normally answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. But my sister has gone missing - she goes missing about ten times per year and it usually just means that she's been tempted back into the bed of one of her boring old boyfriends in Cornwall or somewhere stupid and at her/their age I am a little repulsed at using the word "boyfriends". Anyway. Obviously this might be the one/only time that she's actually been abducted and is currently buried alive with a breathing tube out in a beautiful woodland glade waiting for me to pay the ransom - and if this is giving you ideas then please don't bother because unless my musical career suddenly takes off then you won't even get back the cost of the breathing tube.
So I answered the door just in case it was serious news, and it was actually a couple I thought I'd never meet - a couple I thought didn't actually exist. Two women. They wanted me to prove that I wasn't watching live TV or BBC iplayer. I knew I didn't have to let them in. But with a bloody awful (weather) (missing sister) weekend like the one we've just had, I was glad of the company and they were very nice cheerful people, that much was immediately obvious.
Oh yes I had heard rumours that such people exist. Anyone who doesn't watch TV and doesn't have a TV licence knows that about every two years you get a red letter saying you're under suspicion and they want you to go online to confirm that you really don't need one. And normally I do - eventually. You get one letter, which you ignore. Then you get another one, which you ignore. Then you start getting ones that mention a time limit - ten days till your name is moved onto the books of the TV SS. And even after you pass the deadline you still keep getting red letters telling you that it's still not too late.
But I'd obviously left it too too late. I think in the old days, with my posh name and demeanour, the authorities couldn't bring themselves to believe that I was a wrong'un. But nowadays, in these PC times, like with stop-and-search, they have to balance their figures and the authorities now have to bother high pillars of civilization such as my wonderful self.
The three of us had a good poke around the house, trying to find any wireless that might be transmitting news of army manoeuvres back to dear old Blighty across the Channel ... sorry I'm getting confused. We looked at my DVD projector. No there was no way that that could pick up the BBC or anything. We stared for a long time at my TV which has no aerial or anything like that, just three wires connecting it to a DVD machine. They came in here and had a look at my computer and asked what my email address was and checked it's not connected to the iplayer or however it works - not ever having this stuff, I was way out of my depth.
They asked about my mobile phone. I showed it to them - a lovely flipping (literally) stone age thing that only does calls and texts. No, no BBC TV on that. Satisfied, they said goodbye and we parted on the best of good terms. While we were looking at this computer I'd told them that I only really use it to view Youtubes of Dr Berg eating spinach, and for me to make music and I told them about this site and they actually seemed a bit more interested than I am used to when I tell the world that I am a world-famous musician who just isn't world-famous quite yet.
And blow me down if I didn't gain two followers overnight. Obviously I don't know if these two new followers are the two women who visited me last night. But on average I gain (and lose) about one follower every ten months. So for me to gain two in one night is utterly extraordinary. Mary and Lana, if it's you, you are very welcome to my world. You'll find we have a lot of fun here, though the music is by all accounts totally awful. But overall I find it a bit less boring than watching TV.
recorded today, photo last week
