1am from HEPTO-ALTRUISM by SKELETON STAFF

1.00am

It’s one am and I’m walking home
The club was great but I’m on my own
I liked Samantha but she fancied Godfrey
Now I’m left without any company

I had a funny taste left in my mouth
When I left this evening from the house
It’s Lucy’s toothbrush that I borrowed
Now it’s mixed with the beer I’ve swallowed

I’m a bit tipsy and I’ve trundled
Off the path that I usually follow
Street lights aren’t to common round here
And I’m in a slightly rough side of town I fear

And sure enough there’s a feral hoodie
Clocked me coming and he’s swaggered fully gangster
In my face with a chiv
And he said “Listen to me if you wanna live”

———
“Just gimme your jacket and all your money”
I said please don’t hurt me buddy
He said “I won’t hurt you” and pushed me
“If you do what I say you pussy”

I said please don’t hurt me buddy
He said “I said I won’t hurt you if you
do what I say it can all be blissful”
I said please don’t hurt me mister

He said “I told you I ain’t gonna hurt you”
I said really - you ain’t gonna hurt me?
He said “Look I told you girly
I ain’t gonna hurt you fo’ surely”

I said really? He said “Hear me”.
I said you’re not gonna hurt me - really?
He said “Look I told you shorty
No ones gonna get hurt this mornin’”

———
I said ok then piss off deary
He said “What? I thought we had a deal here?”
I said if you ain’t gonna hurt me
Why should I give you my jacket and money?

He said “Coz if you don’t you’ll bleed”
And I said you said you ain’t gonna hurt me
If you ain’t gonna hurt me buddy
Why should I give you my jacket and money?

He said “I said I won’t hurt ya buddy
if you just give up the money”
I said why should I give you my money
If you say you won’t hurt me buddy

He said “Gawd if you don’t then I’ll stick ya!”
I said please don’t hurt me mister
He said “Look not again with the blubbing”
And I said please don’t hurt me buddy

———
I’m going home
“Good - could ya do it quicker?”

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