upsetting from AMBR|RDNA by RDNA

you walked into the nighttime
and everyone could see
through the darkness of your clothes
into the darkness of your soul
into the darkness of your longing
no one came to your rescue
and it was never enough
so you finished alone
you woke below the morning
and the birds were quiet
and the night hung low
in the sky’s shadow on your windowsill
you brushed your teeth
made your bed
tried to find the next day
but it was too dark
and no one came to your rescue
the drains were overflowing, surcharging at the seams
it was all empty fields of pavement and runoff
the spreadsheets waiting your calculations
the endless monotony of it all beckoning a becoming
pounding in through the ceiling of clouds underneath
was there a reason you wanted this time
something different and the same as last time
and so you started alone

the passage of longing into night breaks
the fallen frames of remembered feelings
their voices disconsonant and ringing phrases
they mark the places where yesterday went
and we arrive at tomorrow empty and alone and okay

10 years went by or was it 20 or 23 or none at all. We drew a card from the deck and overanalyzed it until there was meaning and we didn't feel so alone. Time moves in orbits and we with it, the cycles repeating in time, there is beauty in the ballet of the seasons. Do you feel it in your bones when spring starts stirring after winters dormancy. Fall is for the grieving, the ode to memories and loss, reviewing old photos and notes we should have long since deleted. Even if they were gone they'd still be here, we'd still find a way. Do you remember where you were on Y2K, when we thought the future would bring greatness and destruction, the paramedic come to take away the overdone girl who tried too hard and the one who stood watching and wasting away. Glitter headband still trying. And where are you now.

The passage of longing into night breaks. Something had to give because it was already broken. Always been broken. Always breaking and healing. Giving and reconciling and doing so yet and again and yet and again and yet and again. The cycles repeating. The union in the moment and the space in between. Figuring out that we’re nothing. The balancing of the next right thing. And where are you now. The passage of longing into night breaks.

• Experimental
• cassette
• collage
• found sounds
• modular
• noise
• Philadelphia