Satisfaction by Rachel Parris

We walk into your bedroom and I ask you to turn out the light
'Cos my tummy is bloated from that lamb kebab that we ate at the end of the night
It’s also bloated cos I’m pre-menstrual, that’s also why I’ve got the sweats
But don’t knock being pre-menstrual, it’s the reason why I wanna have sex
(hormones)

Ok, we getting down, really low down, you’re going down, you’ve fallen off the bed
I’m shuffling round now, trying to make some room, and then I kick you in the back of the head (sorry)
And now we’re going – shirt comes off. Now we’re playing – trousers off
Now we’re getting to it – shoes and socks off, this takes 5 whole minutes,
(double knot)

And I’m sitting naked watching you remove your clothes and I have a five minute reverie
about how the concept of stripping for men and for women is unequal, it seems to me
not many straight women get turned on by just a man stripping, it’s not inherently sexy
if anything its clownish-cum-hilarious, whereas some men pay to watch averagely
attractive ladies just remove their clothes with varying degrees of choreography,
and often none at all. And I think about sexism and then I think about the patriarchy.

Now you’re naked! except for your knee support

Slow it down baby / Slow it down, SLOW IT DOWN, Its gonna take some time
It might take forty minutes or more, yes honestly, for me to get mine
And you could put on a condom without me asking you to
Cos it’s clearly the most sensible thing to do
I don’t want a tiny You, or an ST “I” love it like that, except you’re on my thigh

You’re talking about whip cream , so soon? Whip cream all over my bedroom?
They sing about it songs, but it feels so wrong
After a while it goes off
and your sheets smell like yoghurt (and not in a good way)

And don’t tell me, by the way
you had to send off to USA
for Trojans in your size
I’ve got eyes
I can see whats between your thighs
Its perfectly nice
But don’t tell lies
I wouldn’t lie about the size of mine –
I would choose not-to-talk-about-it

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. That was the noise of us having sex.
Ugh ugh It was really nice, we did it twice and that’s enough.

And when it’s over, you don’t have to hold me all night, I’m fully aware
that your arm will go dead
and it's not that comfortable for me either –
lets hug for five minutes then sleep in our own space
That’s what I call satisfaction

• Comedy
• comedy song
• feminist. funny
• funny
• funny song
• humour
• musical comedy
• parody
• power ballad
• sex
• sexy
• spoof
• London