strawberry cheesecake from BOKKIE by PARTYGIRL

this last one is a thank you, and a kind of goodbye
because i held you in my heart for a year after you lied.
where i was embarrassed to be the one struggling with it more, now i feel grateful for how much it all moved me.
like how every time i get sad and cry
and you tell me how much i changed you.
and it’s tough not to feel like i made you better
for someone else.
but i know, that’s just a childhood love lost
finding words in the current.

there’s all these things i can do now because of your love.
like going to the doctor’s when things don’t feel right.
like showing me how to make music in a way that just feels right.
you told me that i didn’t need to be any different
if anything maybe now you can love me deeper.
which you just couldn’t do when we tried to be so many things for each other.
and i hate the way i built a life for us in my imagination.
maybe it would hurt less if i just moved like you do.
but i am who i am and i’ve always craved home.

thank you for that one time you told me i should be with the trees and we drove 40 minutes and you told me about taking care of the bees,
and with the full moon between the pines you played music with friends and in the house i met women making tea for their men and i loved how i felt different because you never needed me to do that for you.
until we lived together, and you became that guy.
i did everything. a job. and i was sick all the time.
which you resented, because sickness meant standing still.
which i guess you liked when you were tired but you were alive again after resting with me in my world and you wanted to go out and do things and find other people.

thank you for buying us that shit car that we’re both still paying for but i can’t even regret it because it freed me.
thank you for those nights we drove around in Navan listening to our jams or Doja or Dua, smoking weed, and dreaming.
for showing me off to your friends and going camping and shaving my head.

i hate that you broke my heart and i don’t know if i can ever forgive you but i will try my best.

i tell my friends it’s worth it and you’re so good with aftercare
and they always say the same thing,
why do you need so much aftercare with him?

i know these lines won’t capture half of what i feel but maybe when i perform it i’ll make it sound different each time,
adding lines.

thank you for the strawberry cheesecake when you couldn’t tell me you were with someone new.
even my broken heart is sweeter for breaking it for you.

in love we were magic
maybe in friendship, we can do better

• Electronic
• ambient pop
• doom pop
• erotica
• experimental electronic
• psychedelic
• Ottawa