Lmrnts by Hehi Downside

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so much control over my beloved conception / another awakening within me / a deep connection to a new source / like fire, and pins and needles, and like swine, like urchins,, and nettle needles
I am drawn to you, the device of my self-exploration, / I am drawn to you without thinking, as like an animal to prey / can't help but forget what you say, looking at your face, / I feel like I've won some kind of race I didn't know existed, / you've opened up a whole world inside of my head / it's all a whirl, colored, in a golden light of scattered prisms, refracting in a groove like the flowing rivers of time / you bathe me in a golden light like a prism-studded carpet, the repetitions embedded in an unpredictable rhyme /
we bathe in golden light, like the prisms, playing with the light / from the storms of darkness /
I can see the gem inside everything, and within everything it somehow always fits inside, without any displacement
only now I could die knowing you and everything will and would be alright / I've tasted delight, now I'm ready to do my time /
baby I'm losing my mind
can't tell what's yours or mine / positively blowing out this time /
I'm ready to lose control
we're a sundae with a tendency to eat itself
/ I like what I breathe and I wanna know more / I like how we dance and I want more /
like I won't get another chance, I want more /
I'd rather starve and stay awake for days than ever turn away / feel my head explode from pain while waiting in the rain
my heart tryna get away / I try to keep calm but it just doesn't wanna stay / feel so inflated, I'm straight elated / the world is passin

castles finally gone, only ashes and distorted memories remain

the skeletal remains of an illusory fate / you make me willing to fuck my life up
baby its wild how you make me fuckin feel / show you my idealized reflection / make you fall in love with some kind of depression

I'm staying strong but somehow I still lose control, I'm ready to get fucked up because I'm losing my mind /

Soon it will be over if it isn’t already

now I look back and fear if it was all on the inside
fear I’ll have to scrape it all out until the only thing left is me
fear that the things I love must die


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I obsess over what it means, but in reality it’s too vague to mean anything

I take everything so personally / so no wonder I don't feel like myself / I think I'm just scared confused with 'trying to help' / I gotta make everything about me, don't I? I gotta make everything about me because it never fucking is / (because) nothing's about me, cuz there's nothing there.
/a buncha lies but the kind that don't point to the truth / I always speak to them but they can never speak to me / at the end of the day even their inspiration - somehow even that is only me / nobody comes to me, I just choose whether or not I come to them / the thing I be can never be the one I see / I do so much stupid shit no one will or would ever do for me / always feel like I'm the only one that does anything, so I stop initiating and prove myself right -
I’m everything they say they want so clearly it's a lie / now I'm doin doubletime to catch up on my time / if I need to be a servant then alone why am I fine?
/ you may think they're lies, but one layer's better than twice / construct an artifice in between your eyes / if it keeps you satisfied, but I wanna kill the lies, stack em up and find the motherfuckers willin to stare at and into the sun til we're blind / find the motherfuckers not afraid to look truth into the eyes / sick of all the games, need people who say it plain / we can’t relate so I go my own way / if you don't run you'll miss the train / the ones that expect me to do it all just make me irate /coming of age / now I make my own pain / there's no more reason to share myself if there's nothing for me to gain / only the ones that do not trust will ever need you to explain / and not because they need it but because they want to hate / without trust, they demand of you an explanation, one they won’t believe in / My desire to prove to someone that I'm committed is connected to the reason why I'm never winnin / I’m so sick of the same game / use my guilt so I get played / wonder how I'm built under acid reign

I stop writing my novels - is there anything you can say?

I was made for love, not this kind of war / if I can't get what I want then my romance will go stillborn
if you can't meet me where I stand then there's no point to it anymore / I fear we're running out of time
So get aligned unless I should be my own rhyme
I wrote them books but they never called / make me do everything so I (can) get blamed for it all / I disconnect from their shit and suddenly have it all / scrape out their influence from inside until I feel the light (again) / vanishing walls / if they wanted/loved you they'd want it all / they never fucking communicate so I can never figure out the problem because they won't help me / maybe the only problem is that they won’t communicate / much less understand / they want you to be on call so they can blame you for it all / you ask 'then how should it be' and listen, then they only just stall / I can only figure out so much on my own / I'm worried bout a problem that's beyond my control, so the only way I get control's to quit the game and fold / yeah you think you're bein bold but your enthusiasm's stolen / you think I'll miss out but the silence is fuckin golden

people so fake they're not even real

they end up in my dreams / just as influential as they'll ever be / the only thing they strive to be is a piece of a piece of a memory / so much I poured out over the ones that filled me with doubt / I was conditioned into this shit but I know there's another route / I'm gonna fight until I know how / I'll keep movin til I sink down / seek peace and freedom even if I don’t make it and drown / if I can't fix it I'll bury it underground / it's always plausible deniability so unlike me they can't be liable for anything / I stand naked before the truth / somehow still shocked that it's so few that come through / not afraid to be the only one if you want to / I'll be authentic even if you don't want to /

"I swear, "Luna" is how I will fight, under moonlight"

I'm literally writing lyrics in my sleep, in my dreams, so what makes you think I have time to figure out what you mean? / Like I don’t do my own thing
real life is finally better than my best dreams / cuz only here I can make them all come true /
Even when I barely sleep I still have time to dream

am I truly helpin the world? sometimes I feel like I'll never know / (even if I do they never show it) /even after all I do it still feels hard to show

maybe you should come out my dreams and become a reality (if you're so real)
why are you so scared? are you scared you'll come out of my dreams and become a reality?
What are you so scared of?
Scared you’ll gain even more than you can imagine?
And you won’t know how to handle it?

I wanna lose my shit
But not like this
I'm tired of this shit - I’m dyin every time I lose a night of sleep

I obsess over what it means but in reality it's too vague to mean anything

it all seems so prophetic that I can't help but let it get to me / yeah but this time I won't let it / you say that you know me but clearly you haven't met em

I wanna fuckin drown inside the truth, I want it rough
fuck what you 'wanna' say if you never say it - silence isn’t always enough

fine, you wanna be vague? I'll win that game / (make it so that the only ones I want can hear the name) I'll give you exactly what you crave / you want chaos, so I'll let you draw your own conclusions / you want the lack of meaning to stay insane, it drives you wild / well I got news for you - I'd rather be the thing you hate / almost like fate / I change because I wanna stay the same /
how do we know if what we say is right? I think about it all the time
bid goodnight and say goodbye, because we're spending all our time

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I must let go but it hurts my soul / your legs, clothes on the floor cuz I know your door / it's all I know / I lose all control and I can't help but want more / you do what you've done before /( your legs want more like they had it before)

In one instance it’s been a couple months of bliss, and 7 years of pain
these days I play only my own games / it's not that I'm afraid of pain, I seek it more than ever but just don't have any more time to waste / It's less than a gamble if it's designed to lose, I'd rather focus on what'll help me break through / lonely’s not a problem when you have peace either way / peace is a lot better if I have to choose between that and any kind of presence
I'm not gonna focus on what I know don't help me

Blind to everything
Return to clarity by severance

I lived in darkness til I met the light / I crawled through darkness until I found the light
I said my goodbyes, crawled through darkness until I found the light
with this reunion I don't regret the wasted time / but it's different this time
I finally got what's mine

now my past feels like it’s history, I still feel the same but this time fear can’t hold me back so I don't hit the brakes
Only myself will I chase / to entirely inhabit my own domain

Now I've realized that romance is just a part of me / so now freely expressed I feel it continuously inside my chest / fully aware of the sensory overload mess but this time I can withstand and bask in the blinding light / ooh fine, delight / it took so much fucking time
now I'm feelin right / delight / it took so much fucking time /
so remind me of my mission
I'm strong enough to be the eternal conduit of this power grid
perpetual limerence

I got the peace you don't believe in / and the life you've never seen

my death has been cultivated, to culminate the current into a breakthrough / taking advantage of all constraints, I walk through fire / smoke through my eyes, flowing like the rivers of time, until I lapse I won't be defined / the perfect lie to scry for a semblance of truth /
turning against all self-biological predilections

I look back and cannot forget
I’ve learned my lesson and cannot forget
Transformation demands, the harsh truth commands - the most beautiful part of me must die!
Like the ticking clock, I must die by my own hand!

Now I fear it was all on the inside
It’s the most radiant beauty I’ve ever discovered -
It has to die because it was never alive
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