Akedia by Gandavon

AKEDIA

Akedia
is a bleak land
That some wander in
by chance
It is not hot
nor is it cold
It is
It is not
a land of the living
nor of the dead
By choice
Some will a way out
for the green land
Arcadia

Akedia (or 'acedia') is a spiritual condition;
a state of profound indifference, to one's
position in the world, spiritual advancement,
duties or religious matters.

For me, I experienced it most as a bleak land without any fixed point of origin or destination.
Indeed, it was most like a world in which nothing was defined enough to actually behold or focus on, in any direction. I found that I did not care about that. There was only a sort of frozen existence: a lingering
without desire for any change whatsoever.

However, I knew I could not live in this land; there were souls dependent on me and remaining here would be like a dry pump in a town square that the children so happily had drawn water from before...and still needed.
I knew had to leave this still state; for time kept flowing and the thing of time that freezes and does not change with it, fossilizes and dies. I began to demand a way out, eventually forcing myself to storm the heavens, angry at not being angry; hopeful in hopeless torpor and in a dry cry for the will to will...if that makes any sense.

After stillness in almost atheist prayer, I learned a more intimate closeness to Him Who is Essence of Being; Life and Joy itself, and I see this sojourn in Akedia as a journey that deepened the connection; relationship He so strongly desired that He left me to wander in the Bleak Land, to learn a more profound dependency and ultimately a "deeper breathing".

Again, if that makes any sense

Gandavon is the alias of William Higgins, a British-Dutch synth/acoustic audiovisual alchemist weaving sonic and visual tapestries from his shed studio in Northern Limburg, Netherlands.