fingertips by eszter musiński
this ep is probably my most personal work ever, like, really
but i had to share this pain with those who will accept it
if you know who these tracks are about, please don't tell anyone, including her
NOTE: these lyrics mention sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and suicide, so PLEASE BE CAREFUL before listening or reading, and DO NOT LISTEN if you know these topics will make you feel bad
- fingertips -
your fingertips running on my skin
leading their way to what seems to be my leg
you grab my hand and use it as you wish
the soft touch of your breast is a very cold remain
no word is told but no word is listened
i take and hold my breath until all of this ends
you gently move your thigh upon mine
and you caress my eyes with this sight of you
you keep riding these hips of me
you don't seem to care about the noise and stares
there was a time i prayed and wished for this
there's now a time i pray for it didn't happen
and i want you to know that i'm not gonna stay
i am waited somewhere but it's not in this bed
i must say i'm uncomfortably resigned
but it looks like you chose for me
i guess silence rules and i'm no objector
you took everything that mattered to me
yet, i can't get to despise you
you took my love, dedication, devotion, carefulness and attention
but you needed more
you took every part of this body of mine
you took them all and used them for your own pleasure
twice
yet, i can't get to despise you
the last time i saw you, i had to say no multiple times, more than twice
then i left, and you left me with a hole in the heart and a void in the head
i lost a year wondering what happened to me, when you lost only a few minutes for a miserable girl like me
then i realized
then came anger, sadness, and grieving
i grieved not only the control of my body, my self-confidence, my healthy sexuality, i also grieved the relationship i had with you because yes, i can't get to despise you
the girl i am now, a year and a half later, is still in love with you
not a day goes by without me missing you
even when i was in a relationship, even when i was in love with someone else, i was missing you
i hate you for what you did but it seems that i'm forced to love you more
yet, i can't forgive you
i can't forgive you for not seeing the signs of the sexual and emotional abuse, when yourself already knew and already had lived them
i can't forgive you for trying to kill yourself then indirectly ask me why i didn't notice, and i can't forgive you for keeping me to leave after i said no a dozen times
yet, i still love you
i can't forgive you for letting me believe i was responsible of the abuse because i took part in it, trying to keep my mind to break by leading our moves
the sex we had or should i say the sex you had left me in a constant dissociative state i'm still in today
yet, i still love you
i can't forgive you for letting me feel like a pure human shit for wanting sex half of the time since the one you had with me, only because i still have an urge to recover my body, to take it back from the place you left it in
i can't forgive you for traumatizing me of the place i felt the safest in the world before, a place i can't even imagine to go back to now
yet, i still love you
you crushed everything i built and everything i was
yet, the thing i miss the most in the world is you
and i'd rather wish you the best than wish you death
and finally, i can't forgive you for making me feel sorry about you for what you did to me
i can't feel sorry about you when you made my life a burden and made me want to end it at least once a week
i can't feel sorry about you when you made me have nightmares of the ones i love abusing me multiple times, including my own father
i can't feel sorry about you when you made me question my own consent definition because i was afraid to replicate your actions on someone else because yes, i still think you didn't know
i can't feel sorry about you, but even a year and a half later i still believe in your sincerity and the fact you didn't know
many people offered me to ruin your life in any possible way, i declined
i can't feel sorry about you when even a year and a half later i check your private account with a dead account of mine everyday to see if you're talking about me, because even a year and a half later of pain, sorrow, doubt and grieving of my own identity, i still doubt about who really was the victim in our sexual intercourses
even a year and a half later, i still feel guilty and scared about what happened, not that much about me not being capable of saying no, but about me being the abuser
the facts show that i'm not, but you fucked up so many of my thoughts, my meaning of consent, my fear reflexes and my self perception that somehow, i'm still scared that you lived our sexual and romantic relationship the same way that i did
that somehow, i became you, or you became me
and it's kind of true
you're a part of me forever now
and that's why i'll never stop loving you
because the endless fight for loving myself includes fighting for loving you
- fingertips pt. II -
words are improvised
Tracklist
| 1. | fingertips (w/ léna hager) | 7:25 |
Credits
fingertips:
words are by me, and are read by léna hager
piano improvisation is by me, and the track was made for the acedie58.bandcamp.com appearence on duuuradio.fr
fingertips pt. II:
music and words improvisation by me
