Recovery... from BlackLight Grace by BlackLight Grace

It’s weird not knowing
Not just what it is
But what I want it to be
Life’s funny like that sometimes
Especially when you’re aware
Of so many different realities
I like to just go with the flow
I let the universe guide me
Maybe I look too much into the signs
But somehow they end up working for me
You can call it faith
But to my ears that’s too religious
I still see it as divine
Whether it’s the good or the bad
I end up always getting
And not getting my wishes
Like I’m constantly in this strange middle ground
Floating in a gray area
I’m bound
But I know I can do anything
So somehow
I stay stuck in the same place
Where I’m always lost
But always found
[SPIRAL PASS 1 no drums, ]
I never had dreams as a kid
While others wanted to be an astronaut
I just wanted to be loved
I know that’s supposed to mean
I didn’t really get enough
And whether that’s true or not
Doesn’t matter
’Cause I was hooked on romantic love as a concept
Before I even hit puberty
My maternal clock just ticking
Whether I knew it or not
It seems
It was always either my destiny
Or the lessons I had to learn
But either way
I somehow still got what I want
I’ve loved so many times
Probably more than I can count
But I never got to keep any of them
[DRUMS ENTER — soft, heartbeat tempo]
In the last one I loved enough
That to the rest, I feel doubt
Almost forty years now
I’ve been alive
And I never felt love so intense
For me
That’s really saying something
’Cause I can be pretty intense
The weird part is
I can’t even pinpoint
What made it so unique
I had more problems there
Than I knew what to do with
And ever since
My life’s seemed bleak
We couldn’t be more different
Yet similar in so many ways
They say opposites attract
But I’ve been there before
And this wasn’t that
[SPIRAL PASS 2 — drums steady, bass deepens, vocals closer]
Intermittent reinforcement
’Cause I got addicted to how we’d react
Dopamine doesn’t read morality
The brain doesn’t care
Where the hit comes from
Just so long as it comes back
Addiction isn’t really about the substance
The person
Or the behavior
It’s about mental state
Regulation
How fast and how hard
Something can change
The way being alive feels
Zero to one hundred is seductive
’Cause it’s decisive
It shuts the noise off
Takes ambiguity off the rails
Abstinence builds pressure
Without teaching modulation
So when it breaks
It catastrophically fails
[DROP — drums pull back, minimal percussion, space returns]
What’s harder is temperance
And moderation
Having the strength to be present
While the urge is still talking
Most people learn avoidance
When they need navigation
They really need emotional regulation
But get stuck in spiritual flagellation
Not even realizing
More than half of life
Is just dealing with addictions
Same crossed wires
Same monsters
Different costumes
Different fires
They’ll always keep you warm
But all of them can burn you too
[DRUMS RETURN — slightly heavier, but controlled]
Temperance and moderation
Is a life skill
Celibacy’s a trap
Be it drugs
Sex
Money
Or love
It’s all a maze
And you’re the rat
It’s a challenge
Trying to starve yourself into obedience
But even harder
To teach it scale
That’s recovery with wisdom
It’s a balancing act
[FINAL SPIRAL — drums slowly dissolve, pad swells]
I’m not romanticizing
I’m suggesting cautious self-training
Whether it’s drugs
Or small, intentional doses of meaning
Music
Pictures
Structured reflection
Let the nervous system metabolize emotion
Instead of being flooded by it
The biggest danger of avoidance
Is that zero to one hundred relapse
’Cause either way
It’ll kill you
From overdose on a substance
Or an ex-lover
It’s self-harm
You think you can handle
Until you can’t
[END — all music cuts except a single sustained tone]
Recover.

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